hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
