twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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