I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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