One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont even know how to be here
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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