Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
please come you make the beer taste better
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
