I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
