I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
babies were throwing up all over the place
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
