just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
