you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
