Swine flu. Run for my life!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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