Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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