I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
