i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
