So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
