ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
