shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
