He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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