"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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