Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drunk is not a location!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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