thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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