Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
