I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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