How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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