do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
