The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
