i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
