I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
