I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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