Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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