How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
