he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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