you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
