I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
