I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
