I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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