Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
