if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
