she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
