After last night, I could never be a politician.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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