I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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