I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
