I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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