So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
