remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
