In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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