Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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