i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
