fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
