it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
