Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
