video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
