My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
