They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
