my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
