I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
