I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
