Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize