my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
